Gaga: Five Foot Two

Please, please, please, please don't ask me why I watched this absolute vapid piece of junk.

If you want to see someone talking about themself and crying for 1hr 40mins, you might've found your documentary.

I just want my life back.

The one thing I took from this film is: money obviously doesn't make Lady Gaga happy. Oh, and her music is bad. 0/10

I Am Your Father

The premise to this documentary sounded really interesting.

But it wasn't.

Boy oh boy have I been having some bad luck with documentaries recently.

It was terrible. I hated the filmmaker's stupid smug face, and David Prowse sounds like a big blabbermouth who got cut out of the franchise because he talked to the press too much. No matter how they spin it. I sympathised with George Lucas in this case – and that's not a sentence I could've foreseen myself saying in a while.

Waste of my life. 1/10

Rogue One

This film just left me feeling cold, empty, and depressed.

To the extent that I had to stop watching it. Get over it people. It's done. It's dead. The originals were amazing, but stop milking it.

The constant music pissed me off, the storyline was convoluted, Forest Whitaker doing a silly voice was obnoxious, the whole thing stunk. The only thing I kind of liked was the robot with attitude (hence why I used his film poster for this review). Isn't it funny that the only real and human character they managed to create was a fucking robot? And don't get me started on the guy with the fake face! What were they thinking?

Let's make some new art. DNF

God's Not Dead 2

I thought we'd established this from the first film. No?

It would follow that if the first film proved CONCLUSIVELY that god is not dead, there would be no need to make a sequel.

This film succeeds in having just as dumb a premise as the first one, presumably written by someone who had never set foot inside a courthouse (just as the first one had without a doubt been written by someone who'd never set foot in a university).

But honestly, this film was even worse than the first one. There weren't as many absurd things to laugh at.

I wonder if they'll make God's Not Dead 3. I'll probs watch it. 0/10

The Neon Demon

One of the worst films I have ever seen. No joke.

Lesbian necrophilia? No thanks.

Absolute stinker. 0/10

Bad Neighbours

This film was so shitty I stopped watching it after 20 minutes. 0/10

Les Démons

Oh my god, I hated this film.

What an absolute mess. I'm sitting here reviewing it several days after watching it, and I think part of me wanted to give it some time before reviewing so I could let the rage die down a bit.

Argh. But now I'm remembering bits of it, and it's making my blood boil.

OK. First thing to say about this film is that the director is the worst. This film didn't know what the hell it was. Was it a character study of a boy growing up? Was it about the challenges of youth? Was it about bullying? Was it about coming to terms with sexuality? Was it a horror film? Was it about family drama? What the hell was it?! Oh, and alongside all this confusion, towards the end something absolutely terrible and inappropriate is thrown in (almost like an afterthought).

I found it insensitive, dull, stupid, and moronic.

There are SOOOO many scenes that contribute absolutely nothing to the film. Camera movement that does fuck all, scenes that don't go anywhere, represent nothing, and are just a plain waste of time. This is the kind of film where the director has essentially tried to trick the audience into getting some idea he knows what he's doing. I guarantee you he had no fucking idea. Art house films are supposed to DO something. They're not just supposed to be slow, dull and boring so that people think they're meaningful. Put some fucking meaning into the film – that'd be a goddam start.

I hated all the characters too, apart from the sister.

Fuck this film. 2/10

Pacific Rim

God this film sucks!

Anyone who thinks this film is good needs to reassess their life. This was my third attempt at watching it, and I only managed to get through it in three sittings. I'm still trying to watch it now – Idris Elba is giving a motivational speech. Almost finished, thank the Lord.

Where to begin with how bad it is... The concept is dumb, the dialogue is terrible, the plot is cack, the characters are flat. So much so that I was actually rooting for the Kaiju to win. Seriously – these poor monsters are just trying to get on with things and the humans keep fucking with them.

I don't understand where they got the technology for doing "the drift", and I don't understand how the two people control the machine from within. No one seems to mind that these Jaegers cause as much damage to the cities as the Kaiju do. None of it makes any sense, but we the audience are supposed to just lap it all up.

Everything that happens feels so predictable and so obvious that it makes watching the film a chore. The only good thing about this film was Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm shocked that this was made by the same guy as Pan's Labyrinth.

Pile of shit. 1/10

God's Not Dead (Re-watch)

I can't believe I'm writing this film down as a Re-watch.

But then again, I can't believe in God. Nor can I believe that this film a) was even made or b) has an audience at all.

The premise is just as unbelievable: Christian college freshman enrols in a Philosophy class where the lecturer begins his syllabus by telling them they all should be atheists, and that they must write down the three titular words on a piece of paper and hand it to him. Our humble hero refuses, and so ensues a fucked debate each week between him and the professor.

Which is stupid enough in itself, but then you get to see all the peripheral characters and sub plots – a lot of them are fundamentally offensive – as well as shitty camera work and bad music. This film is just pure Christian propaganda, and must have been funded on some massively misguided church donations.

I could go on and on listing how shit this film is, but it still doesn't change the fact that I chose to watch it for a second time... 1/10

...Oh, and there's a sequel.

Listen Up Philip

I'm looking forward to reviewing this piece of crap later.

And now that I'm sitting down to write the review, I feel like some of the anger has subsided. Don't get me wrong – I still hate this film beyond belief. And I hate all of the similar American indie films, especially the ones set in New York concerning some of its more pretentious inhabitants. Here, let me try to write a scene of dialogue from this kind of shitty production:

INT DAY. A BROTHER AND SISTER ARE CLEARING OUT AN APARTMENT.

BROTHER: You know mother always blamed you for her cancer.
SISTER: You should shave that beard. Women don't like hirsute men.
BROTHER:  That dress makes you look infertile.
SISTER: I can't believe mother left you her typewriter. She knew I wanted that.

And so on. You get the picture. Horrible people who think they are very clever saying snarky "witty" things to each other. Add a shitty narrator's voice over the top, make the main character a selfish writer who is completely dislikable, give him an older writer to look up to, throw in some stupid affairs that lead nowhere. You've just made a shitty film that stupid people will go watch thinking it makes them clever.

Fuck these kinds of films. Get in the sea. 4/10

David Brent: Life on the Road

This film is a stinking piece of garbage.

Watching a man selling out is doubly hard when he's made his career with a great series called Extras which harped on about integrity and not selling out. And that's exactly what this film is: selling out.

It's cringeworthy, but not in a clever ironic way like The Office. It's cringeworthy because the fictional David Brent mirrors the real life crumbling integrity of Ricky Gervais. Surrounded by yes men and constantly praised by critics, he's now unable to realise that this is cack.

Well done – you've shat on your own creation. 1/10

Robot & Frank

Hmmm... This film was a bit of a stinker. I'm not sure how to express my hatred towards it well though.

Such a wasted opportunity to examine some really cool concepts. I guessed they were shoehorning in ideas from Don Quixote, and even though I've never read it, I got the feeling they were fumble fucking it to death. I think I'm over this whole he had Alzheimer's all along! cliché. Oh, and the storyline involving she was his wife all along! was really fucking dry.

Frank Langella did put in a commendable performance. But other than that hate hate hate. 3/10

Fried Green Tomatoes (at the Whistle Stop Cafe)

God. What a cheesy piece of shit film. I seriously want back the time I spent watching this. It took me two sittings to get through it, because the sickly sweet schmaltziness of it was making me want to gag.

"Yessir, we're from the South, so we tawk funny, and everything is a loooonnng ass stowry. I remamber way beck wen..."

What a pile of toss. Why the hell did Kathy Bates's character sit through the mental ramblings of an old lady in a hospital? I would've rather she'd flipped out and gone all Misery on her.

And what's with the little twist at the end? So cannibalism is OK? Feeding a dead body to an officer of the law is fine, is it? We're OK with that? We're going to walk off arm-in-arm into the sunset with big goofy smiles on our faces, knowing full well that A HUMAN BEING FED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING WITH SOME HUMAN BEING MEAT?!!?

Seriously, get in the fucking sea. 3/10